I Ain’t Got No Teeth

June 20, 2016

Me: Heeey Daddy! You know what Sunday is?

Him: Yeah, the day daddies are treated like red-headed step children who didn't have a hand in making the real children. 

Me: Daddy!!!!!

Him: Ok, what's Sunday?

Me: It's Father's Day!

Him: Mmhhmmm

Me: So, first things first. We gotta get your hair cut tomorrow. 

Him: Why tomorrow?

Me: Cause I gotta split y’all up this year, Daddy. So we're coming for you tomorrow.

Him: I guess so. I don't need a haircut. I just need a hair trim. 

Me: You mean an edge up?

Him: Did I say a lining? I said I need a hair trim!

Me: What's a hair trim on an afro? Yo hair ain't straight. [like my clients don't get trims all the time, but still...]

Him: It's what I get, a trim! [mumbles: hell...telling me what I get.]

Me: 😳  Alright, we're taking you to get a trim first. 

Him: And?

Me: And what?

Him: And what else? You said you ain't forget about me. 

Me: And then we're going out to eat, and then to get your groceries for the week. 

Him: Baby girl, now you know I don't believe in eating out, next to people I don’t know and food cooked by people I don’t know. Y’all just be letting any ole body cook y'all food. We didn't believe in that shit when I was coming up. So, what you cooking?

Me: Daddy listen. Please. I promise I'll cook for you next week, but it's been a really long week of 12hr work days and family at home. I could really use a break from the kitchen. 

Him: Well that's the first problem. Your place is at home first [mumbles: in the kitchen]. 

Me: Daddy! My place is in 2016 where women realize their dreams. 

Him: And where their children realize being shot up in the school house and their husbands realize some other woman's home with a hot meal!

Me: You better be GLAD I'm calling you from work and my clients are sitting right here or I would let you have it sir!

Him: Well it's the truth! I see those dreams on the news everyday on Channel 2. That's my station. I like Frank Billingsley. They look more like nightmares if you ask me. 

Me: [insert the deepest siiiiiiiiiiiiigh to have ever been sighed]. DAD-DY! I know you want salmon, so choose between Luby's & Pappadeaux by tomorrow. And make sure you brush your teeth, put on lotion, and iron your clothes. 

Him: I ain't got no teeth. 

Me: Well brush your dentures. 

Him: I ain't got no dentures. 

Me: What do you mean? What happened to ya dentures?

Him: I accidentally threw ‘em in the dumpster. 

Me: What! Why didn't you say something? You can't walk around with no teeth in yo head! Goodness!

Him: Well I'm telling you now. I need to go to the dentist. 

Me: [insert a siiiiiiiiigh deeper than the deepest sigh ever sighed].

Him: Got damn baby girl! I got a back up pair, but they don't feel too good. 

Me: Well put ‘em in tomorrow. You'll be fine.

Him: Yeah ok. Well I ain't gotta iron cause I'm wearing a t-shirt and some jeans. 

Me: Since when did you start dressing down? Uh uh Daddy. Not tomorrow. 

Him: Hell that’s all y'all youngsters ever wear. A t-shirt and jeans. Y’all dressing up? Well alright, me either. 

Me: 😣😣😣  [frustrated]

Him: But I'll brush my dentures and put on some lotion and my Masonic ring. You know ya godfather was a 32nd degree Mason, huh? What time y'all coming?

Me: Ok yeah, and your ring. Around 2:30/3 o'clock. I'll call you when we're on our way. 

Him: [CLICK]

Me: [in my head] Ole rude, ornery ass. Lord be a muzzle tomorrow. 

Happy Father's Day Willie Jones Wright!