Instacart Problems
August 6, 2018
Me: [calling daddy after sending groceries via Instacart]: Daddy, you got your food, right?
Him: Yeah, how you know? That man called you that fast?
Me: No Daddy. I was notified on my phone.
Him: Ya phone?
Me: Yes. Now can you check your produce and tell me how it all looks? I need to leave a review.
Him: You say ya phone?
Me: Daddy, yes. I placed the order on my phone and my phone told me the food was delivered. So how does it look?
Him: That’s too much. I don’t know how I feel ‘bout yo phone telling you when I have visitors.
Me: What? That man wasn’t a visitor. He delivered the groceries that I paid him to deliver.
Him: It’s still too much computers and stuff in my business.
Me: Your business? Sir, can you please check the food?
Him: Hold on [mumbling only God knows what manner of obscenities]
Him: It look alright.
Me: Are the bananas green or yellow?
Him: Yellow, but you know I like my bananas with some green on ‘em.
Me: No you don’t. You don’t want your produce picked too soon & ripening on the shelf if you can help it.
Him: You don’t. I said I DO!
Me: [deep sigh] How about the blueberries?
Him: They fine.
Me: Check underneath, on the bottom.
Him: Fa what? Hell they here now!
Me: Because I told him how to pick them and I need to rate him. That’s why.
Him: They fine!
Me: How do they smell?
Him: Jahmeelah, what do you want?
Me: Willie, I want you to tell me how the blueberries smell.
Him: LIKE BLUEBERRIES, HELL!
Me: Daddy, do they smell sweet or bland?
Him: They smell like blueberries. Now let me go. Wait a minute. Oh hell na! Baby girl I don’t eat no shark!
Me: Shark?!
Him: Yeah. You got me some wild shark. I’m from the bayou and swamps. We don’t fool with no wild shark. Aawww shoot nawl!
Me: Daddy, I didn’t order you any shark. I got you salmon. Look at it good.
Him: I’m looking at it.
Me: There’s no way, Daddy.
Him: I’m telling you. It’s says [spelling it] S-O-C-K-E-Y-E.
Me: Daddy! That spells sockeye. It’s wild caught sockeye salmon! You mean to tell me you don’t know how to spell shark?
Him: Only book I read is the Bible and shark ain’t in there.
Me: 🤐😠
Him: You home by yaself?
Me: Yes sir.
Him: Be careful.
Me: Daddy, I’m home.
Him: I heard ya. I said be careful. You locked all ya doors?
Me: Yes sir.
Him: You double checked ‘em?
Me: Yes sir.
Him: You checked under all ya beds and in all ya closets?
Me: No Daddy.
Him: Well gone and check while I’m on the phone.
Me: Daddy, I don’t feel like doing all that. I’m good.
Him: You feel like getting killed?
Me: Don’t say that! I’m not gone get killed.
Him: Oh, you got sumn next to ya? Good.
Me: What?
Him: You got sumn next to ya, don’t cha?
Me: Daddy no!
Him: What? You don’t wanna check the house, but you ain’t got nothing next to ya? I swear y’all crazy as cat shit these days. I don’t know where you get that from. You ain’t get it from me and you ain’t get it from ya mama either, cause I taught her to have sumn next to her too. You better go secure yo damn house baby girl!
Me: Okay! Okay!
Him: Okay nothing! I’m tryna help you with these Trump fools running ‘round and you tryna get away from here before me.
Me: [checking house] There. The house is secure, Daddy.
Him: [CLICK]