Happy Father’s Day
June 17, 2018
Me [calling Daddy]: Happy Father’s Daaaaay!
Daddy: Thank you.
Me: What you doing?
Him: Just got off the toilet.
Me: OH MY GOD! Daddy! I asked what you’re doing now! Present tense! Jesus Christ!
Him: Stop misusing the Lord’s name like that. You don’t even go to church. When was the last time you dropped to your knees and prayed anyway?
Me: 😠 Daddy. Let’s not do this today. It’s Father’s Day.
Him: Yeah, but it’s Sunday first.
Me [covers phone]: Lord our God, you better come down and give me strength to deal with your grumpy, faithful servant.
Him: What you say?
Me: Nothing 🙄.
Him: How’s your husband?
Me: He’s swell.
Him: You sho?
Me: Yes, Daddy.
Him: Cause you know that’s yo ‘sponsibility?
Me: Daddy listen, can we please agree not to do this today? I’m not in the space for that right now.
Him: Space? What you mean space?
Me: Mood, Daddy! Mood!
Him: Well then just say mood. Ya sound like Oprah talking ‘bout space. I can always tell when folk been watching too much Oprah. They sound like they watch Joel Osteen too. Tsk. Anyway, where are the chirren and Ayinde?
Me: Be clear, Ayinde is still a child too, and he’s upstairs picking out clothes so we can come take you out to eat.
Him: Oh I’m not going out.
Me: Oh yes you are.
Him: Didn’t Jamaal tell you what I want to eat today?
Me: You want the delicious, fresh food at the restaurant where I made reservations.
Him: Subway taking reservations now, cause I want a turkey sandwich from Subway?
Me: Subway! Daddy, we are not eating Subway!
Him: Hell, you ain’t gotta eat it. You can watch me eat. I bet Ayinde and the chirren like Subway.
Me: I told you to stop separating Ayinde; he’s a child too. That’s his problem now. And besides, Subway is closed.
Him: Huh?
Me: You heard me old man.
Him: Since when?
Me: Since today. They figured they wouldn’t make a profit today like the fancy restaurants, so they closed for the day.
Him: [silence...and more silence...and more silence]
Me: Daddy?
Him: Baby girl you do know I know shit from sugar?
Me: I’m not so sure, because if you did, you’d know that Subway is...
Him: [CLICK]